why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
