I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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