the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
