matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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