I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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