I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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