I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
