Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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