I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
