You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
