I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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