You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
