I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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