Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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