I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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