the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
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A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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