I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
