watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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