how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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