I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
