Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
