i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I looked at my own cervix.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
