My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
