When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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