I just cut my nipple shaving
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
