my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
