now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
