Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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