Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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