I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
