I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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