moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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