She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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