It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
