I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
