If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
They have beer where we have blood.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
