maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
