problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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