I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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