i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
not ubering you a puppy
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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