I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
