You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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