next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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