my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
