I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
