The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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