I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
