clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Randomize
