i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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