Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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