She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
