A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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