Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
